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Friday
May102013

Can Escorts Find Love?

My fiancé was furious with me when I told him I would not quit escorting. I felt bad about it. I only knew two married escorts at the time and I couldn't imagine how I was going to pull off marriage and sex for money.  Yet, I couldn't imagine quitting either. I had become engaged to my future husband in 1991, just two years after entering the sex industry. By then I was very active and public as a sex worker rights activist. 

He seemed fine with my chosen profession until I accepted his marriage proposal. Then suddenly, he needed me to retire from the sex industry. His request seemed reasonable to me at first but gradually I realized that I could never be happy giving up something which had become such a big part of my identity. I loved the profession and besides, as a feminist there was no way I was going to quit my job when I got married. It just didn't sit right in my gut. 

Amazingly, my fiancé somehow worked past his anger and we took our vows in a little chapel surrounded by family and friends.  The other escorts I counted among my closest friends were there and so was an ex-lover who showed up in a super short dress with a plunging neckline. She was the woman who had taught me how to be a high-end escort. To celebrate my new role as both wife and "working woman," I wore a pair of gold heels under my traditional off-white wedding gown.  The gold heels were a concept I had borrowed from a class in sacred prostitution where I learned that gold was a preferred color for the garments of ancient temple prostitutes. 

However, aside from my ex-girlfriend's conspicuous ensemble, there was nothing about our wedding which would have looked out of the ordinary to an outside observer. And yet, my husband and I were making a life choice which is actually quite rare. As the years ticked by, most of my sex worker girlfriends would remain single and unattached. Not that they didn't fall in love or want a special relationship, but too often the men (and women) in their lives just couldn't tolerate the fact that they had sex for money. 

My life as a married escort was not without problems. It is true that I didn't stop working as an escort and we did get married. But during the next two years there was hell to pay as my new husband made life difficult for me. When I was preparing for a date with a client, he often became irritable and argumentative. Eventually, I realized he was jealous of my clients and seemed to have formed the opinion that I was providing my clients with a sexual version of myself which was superior to what he experienced with me.

So I invited him to schedule an appointment with me. I rightly guessed that he would be disavowed of his assumptions when he realized the reality of my work with other men. No matter how proficient I was at being an escort, I was not in love with my clients. I was however, deeply in love with my husband and there was a stark contrast between my professional persona and my personal relationship with him. He quickly realized that he didn't like being my client so after his "appointment" with me as an escort, my husband ceased to be jealous or insecure and became a truly supportive spouse. 

Meanwhile, many of my girlfriends found themselves soundly rejected by potential boyfriends as soon as the man in question learned of their professional activities. Most men find the idea of their wife or girlfriend working in the oldest profession to be disturbing and utterly unacceptable. Those men brave enough to attempt an amorous personal connection with an escort, often complain that they don't feel "special." It is also fairly common for partners to worry what friends and family might think should they ever discover the truth about their female partner's involvement in the sex industry. 

And sadly, when the inevitable conflicts common in all relationships arise, the negative stereotypes about sex workers often enter the conversation in the form of character assassination and name calling. While most every woman dreads hearing herself referred to as a "whore," women who are paid for sexual interaction find the label even more hurtful. Working in the sex industry can be lonely and isolating and when the person closest to you turns on you, the results can be emotionally devastating. Many of my girlfriends dealt with break-ups so painful it eventually led them to just stop trying to date. 

Getting rejected and abandoned is no fun. But even more seriously, if it looks like a relationship is about to end, most escorts will begin to worry that their former partner may reveal her secret life to family and friends or report her to the authorities. Living double lives as most escorts do, often leads to a profound sense of isolation. 

Family members and even close friends are not good sources of emotional support either. Most don't know the truth about an escort's life and work or they hold that truth in contempt. At best, they may tolerate what an escort does in hopes that she will come to her senses someday. But this isn't a safe place to take feelings and fears. Instead, escorts can become increasingly solitary. All too often it seems the clients of escorts are the only source of love and respect which an escort can count on. 

Men who get caught "cheating" on their wives and girlfriends by frequenting prostitutes will often console their partner with words to the effect that "it is only sex, I just wanted to get off," belying what every escort knows to be true which is that men tend to become "regulars," frequenting the same provider over and over again, often for  years. The reason for this loyalty?  Although motivations vary from client to client, for the most part it holds true that the average client of escorts wishes to form affectionate and personal bonds with the person they are having sex with. 

People who know nothing about the lives of escorts are often shocked to discover that the clients of escorts can be such a boundless source of adoration and support. Aren't the clients of sex workers selfish clods bent upon degrading the lives of women?  Well, while their political orientations often leave much to be desired, the way any one client treats his provider is usually far better than how he treats his wife or girlfriend. Many clients hold their favorite escorts in high esteem, bestowing all manner of verbal praise, gifts and pampering. 

When I worked as an escort, I quickly became addicted to this positive attention. It was akin to living in a dream world where I just happened to be the celebrated queen of all my subjects. The lengths to which my clients would go to impress me and to create encounters which catered to my every whim were astounding. 

And yet despite being catered to, the attentions of adoring clients are never a fulfilling substitute for a meaningful, long-term connection outside of that which is created in the financial arrangement we call escorting.  Everyone needs to know they have the loyalty and support of those closest to them and yet that is in short supply if you work as an escort. 

Ironically, toward the end of my 15-year career as a high-end escort, my marriage began to deteriorate. The two factors weren't really related as my husband had problems of his own with prescription pills but the timing was weird nonetheless. I filed for divorce and exited the escorting business the same month. In so doing, I avoided the dating dilemmas inherent in the life of a single escort. But I was left with one overwhelming shift in my perceptions regarding romance. After a decade and a half of being compensated royally to date professionally, I could not for the life of me envision doing it for free. 

In many ways, the sex industry alters your sense of reality in ways the "straight" world can't comprehend. I prefer to believe it is a more honest view of society and the games people play. I know that I don't care much for the games and I tend to have a more pragmatic view of life than most.  I think that is something I share with most sex workers. 

However, like many sex workers, I never lost my appreciation for true love. I just don't have any interest in dating for the sake of dating. It bores me unless I am getting paid for it. But love is another matter entirely. After all, love is something which is very precious and can be in short supply sometimes. True love is even more rare and I think sex workers are better equipped than most to sort the superficial good times from deep and meaningful connections. Being exposed as escorts are to so many human interactions which pass for romance and intimacy, the ability to distinguish what is genuine from what is fantasy tends to be a natural byproduct of that exposure. 

The world may not be ready to love escorts, but I believe escorts are uniquely equipped to love the world. Certainly each escort is an individual and it isn't wise to generalize, but the escorting profession does provide a unique window into sex, romance, dating and relationships. That perspective can cultivate not only an accomplished ability to make others feel appreciated but it can also refine the escort's appreciation for matters of the heart. 

Contrary to the popular stereotype which asserts that escorts are selfish, superficial and money-hungry, most of the women (and other genders) I have known in the escorting profession tend to be sensitive to the subtleties of relationships and love. Though they may not give their hearts easily, once they find someone they feel worthy of their love, they can be exceedingly sincere and impressively loyal. 

Today I have parlayed my experience and expertise as an escort into a new profession as a couple's consultant. Using what I learned about men and women and sex and relationships both from my escorting clients as well as from a 30-year relationship which included marriage for about half that time, I coach my clients into more connection, compassion and sexual passion. 

As the author of Sex Secrets of Escorts, it isn't surprising that some of the couples I work with are dealing with prostitution. Whether the male partner has been caught seeing escorts or the female partner has recently revealed that she is making extra money as an escort, I am able to shed light on the relationship dynamics unique to the sex profession while maintaining a shame free and judgment free stance which is relatively non-existent in our current culture. In that way, I am still doing my part to create more opportunities for romance and love in a world which is in need of both. 

Written by Guest Author for Geisha Diaries, Veronica Monet

Reader Comments (4)

Hi, I have an unusual take on this subject. In my case, I did not officially become an escort I use the guise "sensual massuse" . I am about to turn 50 and started out as such only three years ago. A man, 15 yrs. older than I and unusual because he is an athlete and is extremely lustful came to see me. In our case, I expected nothing from him and had no idea who he was. We just clicked and the openness encouraged him as he is married and will never divorce. Personally I will never marry, I prefer to be independent. This man lives down the street from me and we have been partners for 3 happy years, we share a ton of trust, intimacy and laughs. He is actually the longest running relationship I have ever had and the most wonderful person I have ever known and loved outside of my child. I do try to protect his feelings and do not share my most intimate aspects of my life with him which probably helps. I indulge his sexual escapades and encourage his fantasies. I think what works for us is trust and respect. And gratitude. I think we both have learned give and take and consideration as well as appreciation. Very unusual situation and perfect for us.

June 25, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermassuse

This is an amazing piece. Thank you so much for sharing and for being a voice and shining example for the sex worker community. Excellent work, it is so refreshing and eerily comforting to me.

August 31, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSL

Thank you for sharing your stories and for reading mine! There is so much love in the community of sex workers. Hopefully, the rest of the world will discover this someday soon.

Blessings,
Veronica Monet

September 14, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterVeronica Monet

I wanted to share my experience with you and your readers. I am a busy professional who travels frequently and dating had become challenging. The combination of long hours and lengthy absences made it hard to meet someone and build the connections that lead to an intimate relationship. After a year of no sexual encounters I decided to see a service provider (the term my partner prefers). So I first met my partner as a client but right from the start it was not what I had expected. We had a lengthy conversation about our interests and before we knew it an hour and half had sped by. We had, for me, wonderful sex and left it at that. Over the next year I would see her occasionally when I was home from trips and our visits were always fulfilling. Our conversations became more intimate and revealing as she opened up about her background, how she came to the industry and later how she wanted to leave the life behind. I felt myself falling for this woman but I dismissed it as my imagination, loneliness, and being caught up the GFE experience. Our encounters grew more intense and lengthy progressing to overnight stays. And I was safe. There were no commitment issues, no worries about dealing with the mundane aspects of a life together, no having to deal with negatives. Then it happened. On an overnight visit we were talking after sex when she simply broke down crying. I was scared that I had done something wrong, perhaps overstepped some boundary. She tearfully told me how much she wanted a ‘normal’ life, a relationship and that she wanted me to be part of that. She said she no longer felt right seeing me as a client but was fearful that I would not be interested in her because of her work. I was helpless in the face of such a bold admission and over the course of the night we talked frankly about how we would move forward.

That was six months ago and it has been wonderful. She took a break from work and our relationship blossomed. We developed an intimacy in and out of the bedroom. I learned more about her life, her past, her hopes for the future and the real nature of being a service provider. (So many misconceptions people need to shed). We learned about each other’s great qualities and the ones that were not so great. We shared physical and verbal expressions of love and became truly a unit. I knew all along that she would eventually go back to work and, much to my own surprise, I was OK with that. I had come to understand that it was just that…work. I put my own insecurities aside and tried to be supportive in any way I could and that she will accept. I won’t feed you a line and say that I was or am always successful with that but she knows that I try my best and that I work to be better. I should also say that since that fateful night, she has never asked for money, is meticulous in paying her fair share. She is proud and I’ve heard her say that no man will pay her rent. But rent does have to be paid and bills need to be settled so she re-started her ads and resumed taking calls.

She is attractive, personable and very skilled at putting people at ease. Like many professionals she has a range of skill sets that would rival most people outside of the industry. She understands people, is effective at marketing, and is well organized. Not surprisingly she became very busy, very quickly with former regulars and new clients. Her intent has been to get enough aside to remake herself through other work and education to be able to retire from the industry. This has all along been her choice. I never made our relationship conditional on her not working. Most people would say I should have (or not get involved at all) but the heart wants what the heart wants. Besides who am I to tell someone what to do with their life particularly when it’s the business that brought us together. I work very hard to be supportive of whatever choice she makes and I have seen first hand the effort that’s required to be even moderately successful in the industry. It’s not just the time for the appointment; it’s the contacts, the screening, organizing schedules, getting prepared. There’s the constant inquires that have to be responded to, many of which do not result in a paying appointment. There are the no shows and the cancellations, particularly annoying when personal plans are changed to accommodate. And of course there are the issues of physical safety and emotional stress. In short, it’s a challenging full time job…flexible hours, yes, but also work times so spread out over so finding a chunk of free time is not the easiest thing in the world.

This is what we are experiencing now. We live in different cities but close enough that travel to see each other is not a major problem. We talk two, three, four times daily but finding times now to fit our schedules for physical meetings is tough. We are open about her work and she lets me know when she’s having a good day or a bad one, a good client or a bad one. Our emotional intimacy has built to an amazing level and the openness we’ve established to be able to talk about anything is unlike anything I’ve experienced before. Our physical intimacy however has diminished, partly because of distance and schedules but also because of work. While I’m sure it’s not same for all SPs (I expect each experience would be unique) she finds it very difficult to ‘switch on/off’. It’s one of the reasons she wants to leave the industry. When she is working she wants to be in her off mode and she needs extended time to feel ready for intimacy again. Obviously, such a situation makes it doubly challenging for the partner but we have been open about it and shared our issues. That doesn’t make it easier for either of us however I hope our emotional bond is strong enough to get us through. But there times I can’t escape the feeling that she is somehow she is drfiting away from me.

She has let me in to a part of her world that is normally kept well hidden. Anyone should see that as a rare and beautiful gift, one not to be taken lightly. My partner and I love each other dearly and want and need each other in our lives. From a point where I thought it would be fine to be alone, I now can’t imagine any future without her in it.

Thanks for having a place where I could share this.

November 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterWilliam

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